I
remember when travelling by air was glamorous, before it became dangerous,
until the present day when it’s merely tedious. Where better a place to see in
full glory the gradual erosion of our civil liberties than at an airport; a
place by dint of booking the flights in the first place, where you can easily
afford the most expensive shake-down of your life.
I
don’t like being suspected. I don’t like feeling under suspicion, even when
I’ve done something wrong, when you could be excused into thinking that I
should at the very least expect to be suspected, even to have the suspicion
that I may well be suspected as I am a suspect, which I feel is suspect in
itself. However to be suspected when I have cheerfully paid my money, turned up
at the allotted and quite unnecessary 4 hours before take-off and then stood in
line quietly and patiently is patently absurd.
I
understand the need for security checks, after all as a nervous flyer I quite
often find myself hoping to reach my destination whereas others
are expectant. I understand the need for bags to go through X-Ray machines;
that I should have my carry-on belongings scanned for metal or pointy
implements, I even don’t mind performing a strangely edifying striptease in
front of strangers, whipping my belt off with gusto and a wiggle as I hand over
my trainers to be scanned for foot odour (100% clean record and counting).
What
I don’t and won’t excuse however is the worrying increase in gruffness and
inhospitality that is starting to reek from these terminals. After all, the
prelude that I’m referring to is often followed by family holidays, special
occasions or a trip to see a loved one. Airports and the process of air travel
should be an ode to the human spirit, one of adventure, of family ties, love
and conquering of distance. Instead it has been reduced to a long line of
people nervously wondering if they’re carrying over 100ml of shampoo or whether
they can take their lighter on the flight while they wait for the next stony-faced
official to bark at them to walk through the next bit of technical wizardry
which checks to see if your dentist was a member of the Third Reich.
During
my travels I have experienced some mind-boggling procedures at international
airports. The USA
“Have you ever been
convicted for an offence involving moral turpitude?” – As long
as moral turpitude doesn’t mean ‘sex with animals’ then that’s a no from me.
“Are you
involved in espionage?” – Oh if
only it were that easy the Cold War would’ve lasted half an hour.
Do you intend to carry out
terrorist activities while in the United States
Or in Australia, where it
takes the best part of a day to fly to from pretty much anywhere, where they
ask things like -
Are you carrying any porn? –
No but my wife’s a prostitute, does that count?
Are you carrying any Biological specimens? – Yes I’m smuggling an Alien in the stomach of my
companion here.
Are you carrying any soil or Earth? – Yes I asked the pilot to pop in to Home base on the
way so I could plant some magnolias during the stopover in Dubai
Of
course the security questions are there to improve safety and security, but
asking someone if they’re a drug dealer is never going to give you balanced
results and the common sense vacuum doesn’t stop there. On my last trip I had
the contents of my suitcase rifled through while I waited to check in, then I
went through security (wearing a suspender belt just in case there were tips on
offer) and then after waiting to board I got patted down in the tunnel as I was
boarding the plane. Why? I’ve been in the terminal for the last 6 hours; the
only thing I’m smuggling on board is my last drop of patience with airport
security.
In the end the airports,
governing bodies and nations are all just trying to protect people from acts of
terrorism, smuggling and people trafficking – all of which are good, morally
responsible reasons and reasons which the vast majority of passengers agree
with. But it doesn’t mean that everyone is a suspect. It doesn’t mean you
should treat people like animals, or you should be rude or short with paying
customers or inflict draconian measures on people who are simply trying to get
from A to B without a rubber-gloved hand poking into C.
In short, try making flying
and going to airports an enjoyable experience if you can, lest you start doing
the terrorists job for them and put people off flying altogether.
M.
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